What Did you Just Say?

Sometimes I think it's easier if I attach a mic and record everything Z says. But for now, I'll keep blogging from memory. Here are some gems that came out of his mouth this week:

1. He asked for a cup of water. I gave it to him. He laid the cup down on it's side and all the water spilled out onto the table. He said "The water is sleeping".

2. While shopping at a busy store, he randomly and loudly said, "Boys have pimples (he means nipples). And girls have......" I tried to change the subject at this point because heads were turning waiting for the answer. 

3. Talking about jobs
Z: I'm a fire fighter!
M: What about me? What do I do?
Z: Mommy is a mechanic fixing cars at an autoshop
M: hmm. Okay. What about S, what does she do?
Z: *A brief pause* She takes away stuff.

3. While out one day, he decided it was a good idea to walk away from me while I was preoccupied with S. After a panic attack which had me hollering his name in front of a lot of bystanders, and a few minutes which felt like hours, he was returned to me by a security guard. But let Z explain:
*Almost a week after the event and completely out of the blue*
Z: "A police officer arrested me"
M: What?! When?
Z: At the CN tower
M: What did he say to you?
Z: Where's your mom and dad?
M: What did you answer?
Z: In France.

I then had to explain to him the difference between police officers and security guards and what arresting someone actually looks like. Otherwise, he'll be boasting to his friends at school that he got arrested. Since kids believe anything, he'll have no friends because all the parents will say in unison "Stay away from that boy!"

4. In the tune of children's song, he sang " Don Cherry's got a baby in his belly"

5. While drinking some milk, he looks at it and says "Can I hold my breath and go under the milk?"

6. He was running around making car noises and turning his invisible steering wheel. So when I asked him what he's doing, he said. "I'm driving all the way to France"

7. He noticed a warning label on a skateboard that he was playing with. I asked him what the warning label said and he replied, "Don't fall"

8. He asked me if I wanted to go to the construction site to buy crackers.


There you have it! Thanks for reading!

Those moments...

It's already been established that children are one of the most annoying creatures on earth. A simple search on Buzzfeed and you'll find picture proof of how destructive and emotionally manipulative these critters can be. I thank God every day I don't have OCD because if I did, all things children would have pushed me over the edge.

There are parenting moments that make you seriously question whether or not you'll make it another day. Here are some of those moments:

Getting ready to go out

 I'm not one that enjoys being late. If I have to be somewhere by 12pm, I start getting ready at 10am just to make sure I'm there on time. But children make getting anywhere on time a difficult task. Even though I have their outfits picked out and I try to get ready first, it just never works out the way it does in my head. They will spill something on their clothes I just put on them. Or they'll cause some colossal damage that takes up a lot of my time to fix/clean. Both will suddenly want to eat, even though they just ate. One has to cry over something. The other will suddenly discover a toy that's been in plain sights for weeks, but now insists it's the only time to play with said toy. Then my nagging starts. "Put on your boots" a thousand times. Only to find Z stuffed his boots with crumbs. So I clean that up. Then the boots go on, but later realize that once we're out and in the car, he forgot to put on his socks. Let's not mention all the packing involved with taking children out. I'll prepare some snacks in containers for the road or wherever we're headed. Even if it's just to the grocery store. But for some reason those snacks look so good to them in those containers they need to eat them right then and there. So I re-pack and hide in a bag. They find the bag and start unpacking all I've packed. Diapers and wipes everywhere. Wallet out. Cards out. And you all wonder why I look disheveled most of the time?

Grocery shopping/being in public

 So now that we've made it out in public. The circus starts. I'm fairly lenient and I take the path of least resistance. I try my best to make everyone's experience as enjoyable as possible. I have my mind on the people around me and I make sure my kids don't make anyone else's day miserable. Grocery shopping is always a race against time. S is a ticking time bomb. I am that crazy woman in the aisle zooming past you trying to grab as much as I can before it's too late. Sometimes I think about how I look to others and start laughing. But in the moment, the struggle is real. To appease the monsters, I go to their snacks first then I run to the rest of the essentials while they're preoccupied. But it's always when I'm in the home stretch, they start acting up. Z wants to open the kinder surprises while waiting to check out. S suddenly realizes the cart stopped moving and demands to be picked up. When I say demands, she screams "MAMA!" and everyone looks. She is persistent and gets louder, so I pick her up. She screams some more, Z takes this opportunity to run away. So I'm left with a cart full of groceries, a screaming baby and a kid whose no longer with me. And I'm sandwiched in between two carts in a narrow line. No wonder every time I am out with them I get comments like. "do you need some help?" and "you have your hands full there". Every. Single. Time.

Food preparation

Feeding children is a necessity. If you want a child, you need to be prepared to feed them for at least 8 years straight before they start making decisions about food for themselves. that's a long time. Don't get me wrong, feeding them isn't my pet peeve. It's what happens in the process that gets under my skin (pardon the pun). Yesterday Z sees the grill and asks me to make him a grilled cheese sandwich. I gladly obliged and got grilling immediately. Once it was ready and on a plate, he says he doesn't like grilled cheese sandwiches. So what am I to do? Gobble it up and pack on the pounds that's what! This scenario happens all too often. S demands hard boiled eggs. Two bites and she decides it's not for her after all.

Getting ready for bed

Bedtime is the time all parents really look forward to. We love our sweet little kids but we love bedtime more than you know. It's the only time I can blog. The only time I can sit down for more than five minutes, taking in the sound of silence. Getting to that point however isn't easy. I envy parents in movies who tuck their kids in bed, give them a kiss goodnight and turn off the lights. Then when they show the child sleeping I roll my eyes. I announce it's time to get ready for bed at 7pm. Some days all goes well, other days it's impossible. I could tuck in Z fifteen times, and I'll see him running out the 16th time giggling because it's a game to him. He'll start asking for food (that he won't eat), he'll start reminiscing about people and events from a year ago, he'll want to play and use his loud voice as I'm putting S to sleep. Then she wakes up and thinks she napped and is ready to tackle the night. These long nights often happen when I'm parenting solo. Hubs knows to take one while I take the other and put them down simultaneously so they don't wake each other. (Come back home hubs we miss you)




But when they come to me with their big eyes and smack a kiss on my cheek for no reason at all, that's the moment that makes it all worth while.

Baby S

I have another child I rarely write about. S.

Because Z was the first child, I made a conscious effort to report everything. I was a scientist and he was my guinea pig. You might as well picture me wearing a lab coat and protective goggles, following him around with a clip board and a pen in hand. Because that's how it felt. Every roll or hiccup was written down and then later researched on Google.

With S...well. I lost my lab coat. I even lost my clip board and pen. I seriously did not track any of her milestones. She just kind of happened. And finally it hit me. She grew up and I don't know when and how.

Today I had a conversation with her. Yes. a conversation.

Me: S, we need to turn off the water now
S: No
Me: Yes, you're all wet
S: No! *shakes head ferociously*
Me: Okay do you want to stay and play a while longer?
S: Ya *nods with too much enthusiasm*
Me: Ok I'm leaving then
S: Mama No. *whine*

It was after that 'conversation' (I know I use the term loosely, she basically only said no to everything) that I realized I don't have a baby anymore. I have another little human being with feelings and actions independent of mine. It was bittersweet.

Going from babyhood to the toddler years isn't a very definitive switch. There isn't one clear marker that made Baby S into toddler S. Most would define that to be once they pass twelve months. Others define it as when baby starts walking. I still saw S as a baby for way longer than she actually was. I realized it's because she has an older sibling that is clearly not a baby (He's a four year old in a six year old's body, and a three year old's defiance). So by default she becomes the baby of the family.

Even she knows it. She points to herself and says "baby".

This is what happens when you have an older brother. Baby firefighter

Z Did What?!

I'm happy to report it's been a slow week for us. When Z is under the weather, we see a lot less bouncing off the walls and more sleeping. It makes me sad to see him so calm and collected because I know he must be really sick if he's not doing something completely wacko.

Here's what went down this week:

• He poured 1 litre of mouth wash I just bought into the sink
• He dipped his toothbrush in Nutella and used it as a spoon. Then he brushed his teeth with Nutella. 

• He's been hoarding all kinds of food under the carpet. I only noticed when the carpet was lumpy and lifted it to find all sorts of yuck. Lucky for me it was housekeeper day when I discovered the mess. 
• His teacher sent home a note reading: "He had a good day. He took up a new hobby today...throwing toys out the window. At least it gives the older kids something to do during recess!" (Thank God for her sense of humour)

Otherwise, he was angelic. Thanks for stopping by!

What Did you Just Say?

Even when he's not feeling so well (yes, as I predicted I got both of them sick), Z still has a hilarious outlook on life. Here are this week's "What did you Just say?'

• Hubs has been working a lot lately. Z hasn't seen him in two days. He turned to me and said, "Remember daddy?" 

• While eating a peach, he saw the seed and said, "I don't want it. I don't like the crust" 

• He likes to pretend one of his ride-on toys is a skateboard and that the carpet is an ice rink. He was pretending to skateboard on the carpet and said, "I'm skate boarding on ice...I'm ice boarding!"

• 4 year olds think they know everything. Here's a conversation that doesn't make any sense, but he said it in such a matter-of-fact manner that I almost believed him:

          Z: I want to buy a bobble head
          Me: I don't know where I can find one
          Z: At the dollar store in the gorilla isle.

• He found a white feather from a pillow and excitedly announced "I found Hazel McCallion's hair!"

• When I poured some Buckley's into a teaspoon for my sore throat, Z said "Mommy's eating barbecue sauce"

• He looked at S for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Then said, "S eyebrows are bald...?"

There you have it. Thanks for reading! 

When Mom Gets Sick

As if the cold weather and slippery road conditions aren't enough to make winter awful, add on a few cold viruses and a flu or two that passed through this home. I'm done with it all.

I'm currently on my fourth cold. I felt it creeping in yesterday and this morning I woke up with this virus in full force. Here's the kicker, I just recovered from a really nasty one 10 days ago.  When Mom is sick, kids will automatically get sick too. Z has the runs (from the nose...not the other one) and S has a cough. Unless I wear an Ebola protective suit and stop preparing all of their meals, they are bound to get sick.

stylish, no? 

I don't need to tell you that when kids are sick, it sucks (for lack of a better word). S will not sleep unless she's upright on my shoulder all night. Guys, imagine trying to sleep sitting up on a couch with 23 lbs on your shoulder. When Z is sick, he wakes up so frequently at night that there's really no point of me even trying to fall asleep. The feeling of being woken up right when you're about to enter REM is worse than the feeling of sleep deprivation.

This winter has been especially hard for us. Z brought in all strains of the cold and flu viruses circulating at school. Along with hubs who brings in hospital germs, we've been introduced to pretty much all the viruses this winter. We hosted them all since November and they won't leave without a bang.

So when one or all of us are sick, all rules go out the window. No one is expected to finish their meals, I don't cook, the T.V is on all day, Z gets more juice than he's allowed, there's no set bed time, they're allowed naps at any hour, toys are everywhere because I'm too tired to pick up from the all-nighter sitting up on the couch. It's anarchy here.

I've never looked forward to spring so much in my life.

Z did What?!

In case you missed the first one, this segment documents the things that Z does that are out-right defiant and make parenting him harder. He's just one of those kids you need under your radar 24/7 or something will happen. I'm amazed by his creativity though. He always thinks of new ways to rebel.

Here's what he did this week:

1. Right before heading out to school, I found him in the washroom applying my eye shadow on his upper lip. I asked him what he's doing, he said he wanted to go to school as Don Cherry. I left the mustache on and dropped him off.
2. He took one of the wheels off his toys and buried it deep in a block of butter. Then he poured salt over it.
3. He took a soap bar and smeared it all over the counter. Then took my toothbrush and started brushing the soapy counter. He took some perfume and sprayed the area. He went for the baby powder and shook some onto his concoction. He made a cakey soap batter. It was the only mess he ever made that smelled good.
4. He coaxed S into the shower. Then he turned the shower on and closed the shower door. He said it's raining on S and he needs an umbrella for her. I let them play in the shower with their clothes on for the rainy day experience. I'm not going to lie, I joined them fully clothed too (it was fun, try it).
5. He would lure Serene into the closet than he'd exit quickly and lock her in the dark. After a couple of times, she stopped falling for the bait.
6. I made brownies and left them out to cool. He poured salt all over the brownies. 
7. He walked by my laptop and knocked it down. For. No. Reason. 
8. He put one of his toys in a pot of boiling pasta water. 

You're probably wondering why am I airing out his deviance for the world to see. Because a) I'm not alone and I know some poor mom going through the same thing is thinking something is wrong with her kid. Nothing's wrong and you're not alone, mama. and b) One day, we'll all laugh together at this. One day.

I thought I'd never...

Before I became a mom, I had such a rosey image in my mind of how my life will be with my kids. I would be a well-dressed, confident, mother holding the hands of my well-behaved children who are keeping up with my stride with smiles on their faces. Oh I had no idea. To say I was naive is an understatement. When I overheard mothers complain about their kids, I would think how could she ever say that about them? I would never. Or when there were rowdy children in a store and a tired mother not keeping them quiet, I would think get a hold of your kids, lady. I would never let my kids do that.

So here I am five years and two kids later. You do what you have to do to survive. We all have philosophies about parenting and strong opinions, but you can't predict who your children will be. So instead of weeping about my shortcomings as a parent, I want you to laugh with me.

I thought I would never....

1. Open food packages in the grocery store to keep them occupied until I pay...but I do it. S will not sit quietly in a cart unless she's chomping down on cheese. And I have no other choice because I need groceries and my fellow shoppers also deserve a peaceful shopping experience. No one likes the sound of a tantrum. 
2. Walk around with baby vomit on my shoulder in public...but I did. Many times actually. Without even realizing it. 
3. Fish poop out of a bath tub...yep. For a while S thought bath time was a convenient time to poop. I had to fish it out, drain the water, scrub the tub, and refill. I'm so glad she stopped. 
4. Go a whole day without eating real food that's made for me. My diet consists of left over nutella sandwiches and half eaten food S and Z don't finish. 
5. Call my kids annoying...but here I am almost every day mumbling the A-word. When Z asks me for the umpteenth time if he can have gum after I already gave him two that he swallowed when I told him not to, that's pretty damn annoying.
6. Say "Stop licking the bottom of your boots"...but I do. I just said it this morning to S. I've also said it to Z before. If both my kids are licking their boots, I think I'm the problem since I'm the common denominator between them. Just to clear this up, I don't lick my boots. 
7. Try to catch vomit in my hands to save the carpet. Because cleaning my hands is easier than cleaning the carpet
8. Buy McDonalds. Or any fast food for that matter. But mainly Mcdonalds. Even though I substitute the fries for apple slices and get milk instead of juice, I still feel like I'm buying a box of toxins.  Here's why I do it though: The car is the only place that no one judges you for strapping your kids up so they can't move. It's the only place I actually feel in control of them because they're physically restrained and happy about it. Now the thought of unbuckling both and going into a store to buy food gives me the jitters. I have a runner and a screamer, so I avoid public places at all costs. So what do I do when we're out and I didn't have time to cook dinner? Drive thru ofcourse. Which drive thru's are readily available on every block on the face of this earth? McDonalds. It's there, it's easy and it was Z's first word (I'm kidding, but it was one of the first franchise stores he recognized besides Canadian Tire and Longos). 

Toddler Z suspects Nutella is off limits but indulges anyway

So go ahead crunchy-all natural-law abiding-put together mamas and aspiring parents with big dreams. Shake your heads in disapproval. But this is my way of surviving and I'm okay with that.

Share your stories with me in the comments. What are things that you never thought you'd do before you became a parent? 

Power outage survival guide

Let's get this part out of the way first: We're spoiled. Spoiled rotten. We've been afforded a never-ending supply of luxuries like water, power and wifi that we can use to our hearts' content.  We have so much water to waste that sometimes S and Z leave the tap on and walk away. So when the power went out and we didn't have water for two days, life as we know it ended. Especially for S and Z. No power meant no internet. And no Internet meant no escape.  We were forced to live in "the moment". We didn't even know what that meant. S kept pointing to the laptop saying "pappop paptop" with a distressed look in her face. How is the laptop not on she thought? She didn't even notice it was dark. She just noticed that laptop was off. It scared her little heart. 

Z walked into every room and tried to turn on all the lights. On and off he flicked each light switch repeatedly and anxiously. "The lights are off. The power is out", he paced around wondering what to make of this. He kept searching for solutions and insisted I was the one who turned it off and need to fix it. When I lit the candles, he started singing happy birthday. This is how spoiled we are. He thinks the only purpose candles serve are for lighting up birthday cakes as a signal to start singing. He asked where the cake was. 

So what's a mom to do in the dark with two young kids? Put them to sleep ofcourse. Even though it was only 6:30pm. I told Z that the power will come back tomorrow morning and that it's just taking a break. He normally sleeps with a night light, so I made a make shift one with a tiny candle in a deep glass vase, and told him to watch the flame dance until he slept. Ofcourse Z being who he is, he woke up at  one in the morning to ask if the power is back. He also wanted chocolate milk and wondered if Don Cherry was sleeping. "Yes," I said, "he is just like you should be."

When we woke up to a power-less home, I was the one to start panicking. How on earth am I going to get Z ready for school without my coffee? The milk and everything in the fridge was no longer safe to eat, so there wasn't any breakfast either. That's not the worst part. We didn't even have running water to brush our teeth, wash our faces, or rinse an apple. 

So how did we go two days? In case anyone is in this predicament, make sure you follow these rules:

1. Flee from your home to a safe haven with INTERNET, power, and water. 

2. If 1 is not possible, Baby wipes. Lots of baby wipes. 

3. Hand sanitizer. 

4. Take out ALL the books on your kid's bookshelf and start reading and have them read to you. S can't read because she's one. But her favourite part was pulling all the books off the book shelf. It gave us something to do. 

5. Hide all electronic devices that lost power from the kids. It'll save you the headache of them whining about them not working. 

6. Have non-perishable foods in your cabinet and present them to your kids as if its completely normal to have granola bars and crackers for lunch.

7.  Leave home until it's bed time. It's honestly hard enough to stay home with the kids when there is power. Imagine a life where you have to entertain them using your brain. 

Because I had nothing better to do, I wanted to clean. But I couldn't even do that. I couldn't do dishes, run the washer or dryer, wipe down counters, or vacuum. It was the first time in my life I actually felt sad about not being able to clean. 

So I prepared tax papers and organized all our files instead. In a way, I'm glad my phone battery died. I'm ready for you, taxes! 

Were you ever stuck at home during a power outage? How did you pass the time? Share in the comments! 

What Did you Just Say?

Having a conversation with Z is a hit or miss. Sometimes he'll engage, other times our questions go through one ear and out the other. But when he talks, his comments are just plain funny.

1. While preparing for bedtime

Z: I wanna go to work

Me: Where do you want to work?

Z: At the hospital like daddy

Me: What does he do there?

Z: He fixes sick people who throw up. *pause* Throw up because they drank too much juice. *pause* and salt and pepper. 

2. While playing on his own, I overheard him having this conversation with himself:

"Is Hazel Mccallion a construction worker? *pause* Nooooo, she's a nice lady!" 

3. One Direction was on Sesame street singing a kid-friendly version of "That's what makes you beautiful". He pointed to each band member and said, "I'm afraid of this one, and this one, and this one, and this one, and this one. I'm afraid of all these boys." Then he asked for a hug and if I could rewind the song so he could watch it again. I'm proud of him for wanting to face his fears. 

4. Getting ready for bed

Z: Can you sleep with me on the top bunk?

Me: No I can't Z, this is your special bed, it's yours only.

Z: Mommy's too big. The bunk bed will break. 

So there you have it. This week's edition of What Did you Just Say.  Thanks for reading! 

Nutella Problem

My kids and I have a special relationship with Nutella. It's part of us. I know bribing isn't what anyone calls good parenting but with nutella, life is easier. It's a staple in our household. I can't focus and I get insomnia when I find that the Nutella jar is almost done. I actually don't eat it every day, but Z does. Z's food pyramid  includes juice, nutella, and oxygen. Because I introduced him to Nutella, every day I experience major mommy guilt when I spread that yummy goodness on toast for him to gobble down. So I decided it's time for a change.

Baby Z's Classic Nutella face

Lately Z has been experimenting with food. His latest experiment is to see what other types of food go well with nutella other than good ol' fashioned bread. He sure did smear nutella on his pizza yesterday. He wasn't satisfied with the taste, so he wiped it off with a paper towel and ran to his dad saying "Daddy daddy look at my poo!" He's right about the resemblance. Honestly I don't know how something so delicious looks so much like feces. It's unsettling.

Caught red handed 

There were times where I found him on the floor with the nutella jar and a butter knife just going at it. One time he asked me if he can have a spoon instead so he can get more out. This is why I hide the jar now.

Z's nutella craze was getting out of hand. He would demand Nutella sandwiches for all meals. So before we tried Nutella rehab(see link below for reference), I thought of weaning him off slowly by mixing in other foods with Nutella. We've tried strawberries, blueberries, bananas, crackers, pancakes, apples, oranges--all with nutella. He ends up licking off the nutella and putting aside the other food it was originally on.

So I had to get creative. Z, if you're older and reading this, I'm sorry for deceiving you. Or maybe I'm not. Because I couldn't have let you live off of nutella. I started grinding flax seeds and mixing it in with nutella before putting it in your sandwiches. You ate it up.

Ignorance is bliss. unknowingly digesting flax seeds 

Food Rehab: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPlB3nAGzHs