I thought I'd never...

Before I became a mom, I had such a rosey image in my mind of how my life will be with my kids. I would be a well-dressed, confident, mother holding the hands of my well-behaved children who are keeping up with my stride with smiles on their faces. Oh I had no idea. To say I was naive is an understatement. When I overheard mothers complain about their kids, I would think how could she ever say that about them? I would never. Or when there were rowdy children in a store and a tired mother not keeping them quiet, I would think get a hold of your kids, lady. I would never let my kids do that.

So here I am five years and two kids later. You do what you have to do to survive. We all have philosophies about parenting and strong opinions, but you can't predict who your children will be. So instead of weeping about my shortcomings as a parent, I want you to laugh with me.

I thought I would never....

1. Open food packages in the grocery store to keep them occupied until I pay...but I do it. S will not sit quietly in a cart unless she's chomping down on cheese. And I have no other choice because I need groceries and my fellow shoppers also deserve a peaceful shopping experience. No one likes the sound of a tantrum. 
2. Walk around with baby vomit on my shoulder in public...but I did. Many times actually. Without even realizing it. 
3. Fish poop out of a bath tub...yep. For a while S thought bath time was a convenient time to poop. I had to fish it out, drain the water, scrub the tub, and refill. I'm so glad she stopped. 
4. Go a whole day without eating real food that's made for me. My diet consists of left over nutella sandwiches and half eaten food S and Z don't finish. 
5. Call my kids annoying...but here I am almost every day mumbling the A-word. When Z asks me for the umpteenth time if he can have gum after I already gave him two that he swallowed when I told him not to, that's pretty damn annoying.
6. Say "Stop licking the bottom of your boots"...but I do. I just said it this morning to S. I've also said it to Z before. If both my kids are licking their boots, I think I'm the problem since I'm the common denominator between them. Just to clear this up, I don't lick my boots. 
7. Try to catch vomit in my hands to save the carpet. Because cleaning my hands is easier than cleaning the carpet
8. Buy McDonalds. Or any fast food for that matter. But mainly Mcdonalds. Even though I substitute the fries for apple slices and get milk instead of juice, I still feel like I'm buying a box of toxins.  Here's why I do it though: The car is the only place that no one judges you for strapping your kids up so they can't move. It's the only place I actually feel in control of them because they're physically restrained and happy about it. Now the thought of unbuckling both and going into a store to buy food gives me the jitters. I have a runner and a screamer, so I avoid public places at all costs. So what do I do when we're out and I didn't have time to cook dinner? Drive thru ofcourse. Which drive thru's are readily available on every block on the face of this earth? McDonalds. It's there, it's easy and it was Z's first word (I'm kidding, but it was one of the first franchise stores he recognized besides Canadian Tire and Longos). 

Toddler Z suspects Nutella is off limits but indulges anyway

So go ahead crunchy-all natural-law abiding-put together mamas and aspiring parents with big dreams. Shake your heads in disapproval. But this is my way of surviving and I'm okay with that.

Share your stories with me in the comments. What are things that you never thought you'd do before you became a parent?